Saturday, October 18, 2008

In my better world

1. It would be illegal to sell twinkies to 12 year olds, or have coke machines in high schools. What is wrong with you people?

2. Video games depicting sex would be available starting at 14, but ones depicting violence would require age verification of being 18. Seriously, which do people do more in this world, kill people or have sex. It's absurd that many of my students arrive in a Freshman class more qualified to kill a girl on their first date than bring her to orgasm.

3. Meals would have a maximum of 1000 calories. Do we really need a muffin top majority in America?

4. Things like proposition 8 in California would embarrass people to put on the ballot. What's next, polygamy, chattel slavery, or beheadings. You European Americans have some seriously fucked up religious traditions.

5. Foreign language instruction would start in kindergarden.

6. Child care would have to be free for any woman employed 32 hours a week or more. If it can't support someone doing it, then maybe it doesn't really need to be done.

7. We wouldn't see industries get a 700 billion dollar bail out and then pay out 70 billion in bonuses. Clearly they didn't need the money that much.

8. No party would be allowed to nominate someone for the Presidency who looks like he needs a wick and belongs in a scented candle shop. Political parties would be discouraged from nominating people who would best be portrayed by Anna Nicole Smith, if only she could have lost 30 IQ points for the role.

9. Three star restaurants would have to donate half of what they make from their wine list to reducing famine.

10. The death penalty would be abolished, except for shoe makers that make heels that snap between the cab and the stairs.

11. Congo's rape epidemic would be regarded as a foreign policy crisis of the ahead of countries not importing US cigarettes.

12. Elected officials would have to live on a meals allowance equal to what the median individual lives on.

13. K Street would be turned into a flower garden.

14. Everyone would be registered to vote, everyone would get a mail in ballot, and the salaries of all elected officials would be multiplied by the voter turn out of the most recent election. If people aren't voting, clearly they aren't doing their job.

15. We'd send bankers who took phony mortgages, turned them into phony bonds, and sold them to small towns as a good investment, to live in some of the houses that have become vacant. Without heating.

16. Any city or state that subsidizes a stadium would have to spend at least as much on housing for the poor.

17. And while we are on the subject, we'd require that people would be able to recite their legislator's voting record before being allowed to play fantasy baseball. It's absurd that people know more about someone's ability to hit against left handed pitching when their mustache had been waxed more than a day before, than about what their representative to congress spends a few hundred billion dollars on.

18. The interstate high way system would have to come as close to breaking even as Amtrak does.

19. They'd drop lobbyists from B-2 bombers to convince a country we really mean business.

20. It would be a violation of the ToS to ask asl before revealing your own.

21. The last bus or train would leave 30 minutes after last call. To the person who nearly hit my roommate last Friday while driving home drunk, we've got your passenger's side mirror if you want it. It took a bit of work to pry it out of the street lamp though.

22. The most expensive football ticket would have to sell for the same price as the most expensive ballet/opera/concert ticket.

23. Tabloids/People/Us would have to show the pictures of the publicists who put the stories in them.

24. On a related note, all columnists for Cosmo would have to do a YouTube video demonstrating their lame sex tips.

25. Do not get me started on what would happen to the makers of shoes that don't come in size 4.

26. Price tags would have to disclose what the business actually bought the item for.

27. Unit prices would have to be the same for all comparable items. Not like by the ounce for one pasta sauce, and by the pint for the next one over.

28. People who leave gum under chairs would have to be stuck to the ceiling of the lecture hall for six months with the stuff.

29. Academically promising students would not be suspended for having a beer in their dorm room, while athletically promising ones get a free pass when their gf shows up in class with a black eye.

30. They'd get the American Idol judges to rate speakers at Department meetings.

31. There would, actually, be some reason to buy the text book for a class.

32. All architects would be required to go around in wheel chairs, so that their buildings would be assured to be wheel chair workable. Or else.

33. Yogurt containers would not spurt yogurt out at you when you peel the little metal thingee.

34. Packages could not use "NO TRANS FAT" in big letters, when they have 25g of saturated fat.


  1. Fabulous! I am emailing this to my friends and family....soooo true every statement. <3

    I too struggle with the shoe thing. lol..

  2. What've you got against polygamy?? :)

    Otherwise, Lillie for Dictator!

  3. You buy the textbook so you can skip the classes, since most profs just teach the text. :)